Emma Kahle

Written for my bi-weekly column “An Occasional Word” in The St. Lawrence Plaindealer, a printed newspaper serving the Canton, New York Community.

Well, it feels like yesterday I was writing my column about the spring flying by and here I am, writing my final column of the semester. It has been an honor to publish a bi-weekly column in the paper this spring, and I have loved watching myself get more comfortable putting myself into the pieces I write. 

In journalism courses, I was always taught to never include myself in the articles I write. “Be like a fly on the wall” is the analogy that best suits this mentality. I think that is why I have always felt terrified to venture into the opinions section of my college newspaper. 

What if people disagree? What if people judge me? What if I sound nosy? What if I say something controversial? What if I try to use humor and it’s not funny? What if that guy I like reads it? What if I sound like I’m just complaining? What if… it doesn’t matter what other people think? That final thought has only recently come into the picture.

I have a bunch of 4 x 6 inch inspiration quotes stuck to the wall above my desk with mounting putty. I’ve hung the same words of wisdom up in my room since junior year at boarding school, but only this year did I really start believing what they said. 

My favorite one is a lavender background with white lettering that reads “confidence is not ‘they will like me.’ Confidence is ‘I will be fine if they don’t.’” People pleasing is my hidden talent, and something that has held me back from expressing my ownbeliefs in fear of others not agreeing. 

I used to thrive on the “fake it till you make it” mentality (maybe I should get a quote that says that…kidding). I would spread kindness and love to the people around me, avoiding the fact I felt unlovable and insecure in my own skin. Thankfully, that is starting to shift. People often say that mentality works because you slowly start to believe it, and that might just be true. 

Sometimes I catch myself feeling a need to change myself or hide my personality to fit into a group of girls. This used to break me, feeling as though each occurrence solidified my core belief that I am “too much,” annoying, a problem that needed to be fixed. 

“If I get to be me, I belong. If I get to be like you, I fit in.” Those wise words from Brene Brown are on a green quote card, conveniently next door to the confidence quote. Working on self love, along with finding some of the most incredible people who I am lucky to call my best friends, has shown me what real belonging is. If I have to hide myself to feel included, maybe I’m not meant to be a part of that group. 

I have found that when everything feels like it is falling apart, sometimes… it is falling into place. Because the best experiences always seem to come after I realize I am worth more than someone is treating me – even if that someone is me. 

As I conclude this column, the message from your favorite random college junior is just that: prioritize loving yourself, be kind to others, and go where your energy is embraced, not muted.